lonely beAn

The point of no return

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 19:34:09 GMT

While on the verge of breaking down (or maybe it's really broken down and going haywire), i came across this thought to explain why uni is so damn stressful... there is no break before the final exams! this must be it! i am so used to having the bliss before the storm that, when there's no time to catch your breath, you find yourself all tensed up throughout, and that can be very tiring, draining your every bit off mental strength left... approx. 19 days to my first day of exam... and i am still all stressed out over homework! the materials have yet to covered, and tests have yet to finish, but still i will have my final exam without a break... u know, like study break... no, no such thing anymore... and i find that very stressful... indeed, it puts on alot of stress, because every moment is precious, and there's no time to lose... even as i am blogging now, i am wasting away precious time for sleeping, but i guess i have to find somewhere to release my stress, to burst out my frustration, to find inspiration... there's always the easy way and the hard way... and the easy way is ever so tempting, especially when i ask myself: why choose the hard way when you can go by the easy way? i find myself struggling for an answer... for a better degree? a better pay? a better life? but what guarantees that? even, what guarantee is there to a higher CHANCE of achieving a better future? i find myself in a difficult position... a choice filled with uncertainty, a past full of remorse, a future covered in mist... North argues that institution turns uncertainty to measurable risk, but obviously not all uncertainties are eliminated... in fact, few uncertainties are tackled, but rather they are quantified, assumed to follow a trend, and therefore predicted as risks...yet to the extent that risk says nothing about any particular action, but an average of all actions, risk is still no more better than a tool used to explain the success or failure of a certain action. Just as you have an equal 50-50 chance of getting head or tail when flipping a coin (assuming the coin is unbiased of course), yet there's no telling whether you'll get a head or a tail when you DO flip a coin, risk is an after-effect, and therefore it is merely a measure of uncertainty of the past, yet does not reach out to uncertainty in the future... so, i am still faced with uncertainty, and so i am still stuck in my position, and so i have to choose at this point of no return... the easy way, or the hard way.

The coming weeks...

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:36:50 GMT

In view of the most certainly intense schedule for the weeks ahead, i have decided to blog now... though i SHOULD be sleeping now... but well, it'd be more appropriate to have an update now, since it'll be approximately 5 more weeks until my last day of finals... and i most probably will be busy for the rest of the week anyway...

So, where should i start? mm... nothing special happened really... just the same old uni stuff... u know, presentations, reports, summaries and what not... only thing was subcomm appreciation night for rotaract i guess? can't remember any other event... but nothing much happened then as well... go there, fool around with food for abit.. the ppl wanted us to make stuff from some cabbage, hams, eggs, etc... each group gets different things, so u can trade around to finally make a decent meal of sandwich? but my group, or division of business and finance certainly find it unprofitable to work outr ass out just to make some lousy sandwich, and since we have good networking, so that we know those won't become our dinner, we decided to have some fun... and the result was some weird salad that tastes... weird. mm... indeed very weird... if u wanna know how it tasted like, i think it'll be something like sardine sauce + cheese? the rest of the tastes are less pronounced... anyway, i haven't had diarrhea until now, so i guess it was at least edible... then the proper meal... oh, and then i was nominated best sub comm for my division, lol... not sure why... must be my interpersonal skills, haha... such that i am able to upwardly biased their judgement of me... cuz certainly, if by contribution, there's another guy that should be recognized... but of course, it is also possible that they deemed it necessary to buy me in with this award, haha... if not i'll run away... not that i won't run away after getting this "award"... i am a sensible person... and there is no point in remaining in my current post in that club for another academic year... in fact, i deemed it too costly to have even JOINED the club! ah well, my mistake back then... guess i wasn't being entirely rational... i KNEW it would lead to my joining as her subcomm, but still i complied... is it because she was my SP? or perhaps i'm being too nice? hmm... plenty of things to work out about my own pecular behaviors even before i start analyzing others, haha... so that was that, and now... oh, another presentation on wednesday... one summary and one short essay... oh, and writing my achievements, yes... don't forget that...haha... trying to remind myself of my upcoming schedules...

speaking of which, i'm hoping to win a competition... it's alittle bit of a rush, but i hope i can finish it in time before the closing date, approximately one week away... i wonder if i should asked others to help me? decisions decisions decisions... then again i much prefer working alone.. and by the tight schedule i'm on, it'll certainly be more time-efficient, whether or not the quality of the work will suffer... still, it'd best if i can get someone to read it through for me... comments, suggestions... will that entail acknowledgement? hmm... i suppose so... ah, nvm me... just babbling my thoughts out... spamming my blog with random ideas, perspectives etc so that i can look back and consolidate...

other events beside exams? hmm... dun think there are any... even if there is, i should try to avoid going... not much time to waste... developmental psych is quite difficult to apprehend, what's with the confusing lectures and unconclusive tutorials... wasted a whole sem trying to rely on them... have to make it up if i am to get at least a decent grade... damn, and it's 4 AU... sigh... exam pressures... monetary stress... i'm only 19 and life's already a gloomy shrouded path of uncertainty... not good for my hair u know? not sure if i'm being paranoid, but i do notice that my hairline is receding... though the bio psych lecturer says this process begins at puberty... but i'm sure it's not meant to be noticable so soon... urgh... this is why i like fantasies... it's my only resort from the reality... yeah yeah, no running from the truth, blah blah blah... but really, this reality can be overwhelming at times... like now... sometimes how i wish i can be like those characters in the fantasies... maybe cuz they are cool, maybe cuz they are powerful, but i'm sure it's at least partly due to the knowledge that no matter how despair is the situation, we know nothing bad will ever conclude for them... i mean, that's how the tale has to be told right? happily ever after... if i could be so sure of that, perhaps i'll feel better... but for now, i'll remain stress over my troubles... perhaps a short salvation on my last day of exams... ah wait, not yet... still have to settle the hostel issues, apply for bursary... sigh... life's too fast-paced... how i long for a day of relaxing, eating some biscuits, drinking milk, then play some games... have some outings and gatherings with friends, chit chat a little, do some catching up... and most importantly, the assurance that tomorrow will stay that way... sigh... i could only wish...

Yes, still updating this blog..

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:44:04 GMT

well, at least once in awhile lar... a looooong while lar... but also because i seem to be free now, though i'm not sure if it's because i forgot about what i'm supposed to do, or i am really free...

right, can't remember where i left off last time... err... the date says january 31st, haha... so it's been slightly more than a month now, huh... let's see... well, february was kinda hectic indeed... had alot of club activities... for cybergames society, had inter-school recreational games, then international games, ntu open 2009... and another gaming nite, or was it two? anyway, yup, quite alot of competitions that i have to marshal... haha, then in between play left 4 dead... kinda fun game to play, whichever side u r on... not sure if i intro-ed it before... but i guess if u wanna find out more, u can always google it... that's for cybergames society... rotaract club had another event around that time as well... i think it was the week of valentine? think so... yup, valenwine 2009.. wine exhibition and chocolate exhibition, haha... for $1, u get to test a variety of wine 5 times... plus a rather sucky goodie bag... sucky cuz the things inside are mostly expired!!! walau... can sue them if we are in america, haha... oh well... my conclusion after testing the wine is: i don't like wine. yup, no matter how not bitter they are, they are STILL BITTER. ok, maybe there are some that are really not bitter at all, but then those taste abit like plain water... with alcohol smell... i wonder if anyone bought that... i'm not really a fan of alcohol anyway, can feel it trying to distort your perception when u drink it... or maybe it's just cuz i'm deeply deprived of sleep... so the effect sets in real quick... plus the air-con... haha, but mind you, i didn't get drunk... no, not me... some other guy did though... if only i have the picture... he tasted 5 times, and his WHOLE FACE AND NECK was RED!! that was truly funny... i mean, how much could he have drank right?? it IS wine TASTING u know... next time i'll know not to bring that guy to any clubs or watever... there are ppl that can drink, then there are ppl who can't... right, too much into wine part le... that isn't really my part of the event... my part is the chocolate side! right, before the event itself, spent one whole saturday wrapping the doll bouquet... and u know wat? the doll itself was sold at $7, with wrapping $7.90... hahahahahaha! our labour is basically worthless... in economic term, zero value added... the event lasted two days i think... and at the last minute, everything went on sale as we desperately try to clear everything... haha... but in the end we made profit lar of course... then valentine's day... i can't rmb, but i think i spent in my room... yup, nothing special...

right, after that was roughly recess week le i think? totally didn't do anything productive AT ALL. i mean, AT ALL. ok, maybe slight exaggeration, but seriously wasted, haha... what did i do? played MapleStory, created a new character, and chiong level, haha... now the character level 47... but is feeling very tight with money... haha... all the equipments super expensive... sigh...

then after recess week, which is now... is sort of like the calm before the storm... alot of assignments coming my way... at least they are not all due on the same week... haha... that'll be a killer... this coming week another event... or is it 2? not sure, but i guess i'm only involved in 1... which is NTU Open House 2009! oh no... just remembered... that means i'll see my juniors?? oh man... super paiseh liao now... cuz the club wants to cosplay Guitar Hero characters, then have a band performance playing the game... i guess most ppl won't understand, so i'll elaborate. Guitar Hero is a game that stimulates you playing a guitar, so u have to strum then press the right button when the the note comes down... like O2jam... then the game also supports mic, bass and drum, so basically it has all the instruments that make a band... so the president decided that why not the main committee form a (fake) band and play the game as a performance? hehe... good idea! as long as there are ppl that can actually play it well... and guess what? i'm the guitarist! hahaha... this is just so crappy... i think i'll go to the president's room later for some practice... which, i'm not sure if other performers are doing... especially the drummist... it's actually quite hard to play the drum... it's roughly the same as those found in arcade... u have to hit the notes and then press the pedal... not easy... i think our performance will either be cancelled, or we will go on stage and be boo-ed... yeah, i basically make it quite clear that i think it'll be cancelled... or it should be cancelled... if not really dunno how... sigh... on a lighter note, i went for a concert for the first time since Uni! it's basically my friend's concert... so yeah, have to support... if not, haha... it'll be another year w/o going for a single concert... not that it's rare... i only began going for concerts after i come to singapore... them and their so-called holistic development encourages you to attend these art performance once in awhile... oh ya, when i say concert, it's those choir concert, or malay dance, or watever type... not some singer de concert... anw, so i went to the concert... haha, and almost fell asleep... guess i'm too tired le lar... got to catch up with those long-lost friends... hopefully more frequently in the future... seriously, one of them changed so much!! i mean, look at the length of the hair!!! LOL!! so different from before... haha... note to self: should try to keep in touch.

i got so bored, i decided to blog...

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:05:09 GMT

well, to say i'm bored may not sound right, give the time now (supposed to sleep early u know) just that i dun feel like going to sleep yet, wanna listen to music... so i decided i might as well update my readers, if any, about my life! (or rather, the lack of it)

well, it's a little late, but i wish everyone a happy chinese "niu" year! yup, cut the crap... that's it for chinese new year. ok, maybe i'll just say that this holiday ended before it began, so i'm not sure if i should be in a holiday mood, or just some weekends-kinda feeling... tho it does feel like i have alot of catching-ups to do... this e-lecture, that assignment, then some other projects, or maybe another research... zz... it'd be very much appreciated if i can get a few more days of rest... but guess i'll just have to make-do with what i already have... which is two pathetic weekend before everything will go back on full throttle... make that one-and-a-half, since i have a make-up lesson tomorrow, or technically today, morning... sigh... i dun have the time to test it, but i think i can remain on my bed for 3 days straight... until i can't take the dehydration anymore, haha... sleeping has become such a luxury, you crave for it, yet at the same time, you shy away from it, because you are afraid you can't make yourself get up, get up to this mad mad world called reality. looking around, what do you see? an economic system designed to torture the poor until they cannot take it, then everything collapses... a society so engrossed with its culture, that perhaps true kindness may extinct... countless souls wondering about, seeking salvation... many great minds arguing about, yet never really reaching any conclusion... this is life? i'd much prefer my dreams then...

been watching saw, and thought that the movie could be very real, in that somebody may very well be doing the same thing while i'm watching... and that is very scary indeed... but it's also interesting to note, what made John different from the rest? why is it so important to appreciate life, in its essence? what about sacrifices? dying for a purpose? what kind of purpose would be worth dying for? how do you teach that? in our separate ways, everyone attempts to identify a goal in life, something significant enough for you to dedicate your whole life in it, whether or not that's a big deal... some people may have found the answer, some people pretend they do, while some settle for something lesser, and even others that do not give up... in this journey, long when yet to come, short when it is over, we step out every second of our life, and before we realize it, we've composed ourselves a melody of life, but does it sounded the way you wanted it to? hardly so, yet something about it makes it unique, makes it lingers within your ears, and makes it memorable... why bother with perfection when humans are created otherwise? add some spice in your life, push that tune one notch higher... hey, at the end of day, you may have something of a fusion between "jazz" and "funk", called "junk" (watch the movie "Robots"), but you know what? it goes in well with your ears.

a new year

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 10:29:52 GMT

and that was it for 2008, good bye... and welcome 2009, a new year, consisting of 2 semesters, with a long break (can any break be considered long?) in between... yada yada yada... right, err... i don't make new year resolutions, so that's the end for that part... some things i did during new year's eve... we had a bbq at hall 2, then played cards, and then countdown from a very small portable dvd player cum tv? thingy... then yesterday, another bbq! haha... my first and second, side by side... but no one's complaining i guess... except my purse maybe... haha... spent alot this past week... bought alot of stuff as well, besides eating alot of good food... changed my spoilt graphic card and my old phone... yes! i changed that antique!! but no, i didn't throw it away... i figured if i keep it long enough, there'll be a time when i can show it off like those super big "dai go dai" phone from the dinosaur age... the new phone is still samsung, haha... not that i'm a big fan of it or something, just thought the phone looked nice... no pics of it, haha... cuz i'm no fan of taking pics i guess... the model is sgh-f250, and seriously, i think this phone is much more decent than that old phone... can do aloooooot more things, those things that most phone-users are taking for granted... such as sending sms to multiple contacts... which i think i'll find very useful soon enough... the coming sem promises a hectic time for me... speaking of which, i did end with exam result in the previous post? oh well, if u wanna know, u can always ask me i guess... suffice to say i'm not the best (duh!) but i'm still in this race for first class (i think?)... yeah, let's end it like that... err... what else? not sure... i think that's abt it, no? right, until the next post then!

oops... and the holiday is over?

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 08:23:32 GMT

haha... so i was saying... it was kinda boring no? well, then i started sourcing for games, and well, i may have overdid it a little, haha...now i'm stuck with quite a few choices, and can't finish them in time... every day is another busy day chionging games... bought hellgate: london and prince of persia (the new one)... and hellgate was good enough to keep me occupied for very long... yup, good, but not great... could have been better... but still, i would say it's pretty good work... just that some of the skills are hard to make sense of for me... and when it's hard to make sense of for me, well, it should be pretty hard to make sense of for most people... and the stat points are also kinda hard to go around... it would seem like every stat is important, no matter which class are you... just that they may be less important in some cases... now my summoner class character is level 25, and i'm feeling the pinch with my stat... all of them are pretty tight... all needs to be up when i level up... but i only get 5 points... sigh... and the skill points is worse... only one per level... very precious... and one mistake can be painful... ah well... the game is ok i guess... oh, just that the map seriously lacks variety... there are really only two kinds of sewers, one with stairs, while the other one is a spiral... kinda stupid... but i guess my focuz wasn't pretty much on the map... or the monsters in this case... also the same old, just change colour nia... haha... the weapons and armors are slightly better in variety... when you reach higher level will have new type of weapons... mm... that part not bad i guess... only thing is with its weird beta kinda feeling with the game... other than that the game is quite nice...

hehe... my blog is slowly becoming one for game reviews... oh well, that's the only thing i do most... play games... ah yes, i went out on christmas eve, to midvalley... and saw a sec school friend of mine... as in accidentally... went out with two other friends... mm... learnt that i have missed out on alot of news while in singapore... but i guess i never bothered to know about them, and i don't think i plan to ask, haha... ah yes, watched the movie "ip man"... seriously, they should change the name... especially with the yes man, i thought it would be a stupid movie when i first saw it on paper... thought it was some malaysia production... though i heard kenta is not bad... anyway, i thought this ip man would be a very stupid version of superhero movie, hahahahha... something like cicak man type... only to learn that, it should be seen in cantonese... as in "ye wen"... lol... err... he is that guy, what's his name, lee xiao long... dunno his english name... yup, some guy who is very good in kungfu... well, i guess in a sense, the kind of fighting in the movie is much more realistic, and the style, moves make more sense than all the fake kungfu shows... yeah, mm... not much to say about the movie... 80% fighting... can't really describe much... only thing is, the ip man seems pretty much invincible... never really got hit badly... in fact, you can count how many times he got hit... (roughly 3?)... dunno if he's really that superb...

right... err... i'll skip prince of persia... you can try it for yourself... i think it's not bad... though the move towards a puzzle game is kinda weird... i guess it's not unexpected, but not entirely a good idea... but overall it's fun...

mm... kinda long... dun wanna write le... going back singapore this saturday... heard result will be released in a few days time, is it true? apprehensive... *sweat*

BORED!!!!

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 14:27:40 GMT

urgh... i finished playing the game... now nothing to do liao... nothing!!! how... should i take out the ps2 once more?? ... and what will i play? ff12? go and kill yiazmat?? omg... the boredom... cannot take it... i think i'll try to release some here so that i can survive... wat's this call... something along the lines of... drive reduction theory or smth liddat... tsk... ingrained into my mind all these stuff... maybe i'll describe the stupid game with this very WTH!! $#&@^%$*&!^%$^# ending... it's called assasin's creed, released on xbox360 and pc... wait, i think ps3 as well... anyway, basically the game is... ur this guy in modern world, kidnapped by some idiots who found a way to recover ancient memories of ppl's ancestors, and they wanna know smth that ur ancestor saw... so on u play... blah blah blah... and then the game ends with a tone that goes like:" the world is ending soon, and you will die soon as well." and there is like no escape or wat-so-ever!! the game just ends... just like that... ur guy in the modern world is stuck there, waiting to die... and u can keep playing and playing... and there is nothing u can do about it... crap... seriously... where's the happy ending!??!?!?!?!!? zzz... i was so stunned... couldn't take it... sigh... rite... now that i have finished crapping abt the crappy game... mm... not sure wat else... ah, i'll write till here for now...

loooong holiday ahead...

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 03:42:51 GMT

it was supposed to be 5 O's... but one week has alrdy passed so... anw, i may consider going back before christmas this time, for various reasons:

1. i've never seen the christmas design at orchard before, and this may be a good time for a first...
2. it's getting boring ard home, haha... i guess i should call my friends and go for some outings or smth...
3. wanna continue the games that i left off before coming back home... after school starts then can't be a game maniac anymore...
4. should have some outings with the sgians also... if not they will think i'm anti-social, which is quite true, but certainly not the extreme type, mind you...

and so on and so forth... i dunno, i just dun like the system of non-stop studying, then holiday at one go... it's not a very efficient way in my opinion... but my opinion obviously does not count much, haha... oh well, let's make this a short post... will try and update if i find the mood...

... and that was it?

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 16:59:41 GMT

seriously, uni life is very different from previous school life... it feels like a fast forward version of Junior College... 2 years in a sem... but then again not quite like it. It's like playing a game, where a minute of real life is equals to perhaps a day in the game... but many things are simplified to allow for easier gaming experience... uni life is like that, a whole sem, filled with a mid-term test and a final exam... and many other small thingies... repeat that 8 times and you graduate... but 8 times of such intensity? every moment now seems so precious, yet so frivolous... afterall, it's the same thing again next sem! only thing is, there will be 8 final exams instead of 1... 8 times the tests will matter... in fact, all tests matter, and i mean that when i say they matter... it's not like during JC, those so-called tests that count towards your final grade... which in the end only weighs up to a very small portion... almost negligible indeed... but here it is not... each mark counts, for it may just change your GPA from a 5 to a 4.5, that's still acceptable, but if it's 4.5 to 4? 4 to 3.5? i shiver at the thought of that... the pressure of getting a 3.5... is unimaginable... it's like being sentenced a death penalty... yet the thought of aiming for a 5 seems scary to me... it dawns upon me that i have never strived to be the best, but rather a top 5, or top 10 is enough to satisfy me... but in a cohort of 83, it mean only abt 4 to 5 person can get A+, and i am smart enough to know i am not one of them now, but yet not smart enough to become one of them... imperfect intelligence is a curse that make us realise, yet powerless to do anything about it... that's why they say, ignorance is bliss... for what you do not know cannot harm you, at least not in a way that you would know... such is what i realise while playing the game Spore, where you can create a fully customisable creature of your own... and decide what is to become of it... it because sex is apparently not present within the game... everyone is like those self-pollinating flower... anyway, what the game shows you, is that you just can't create a so-called perfect creature... evolution does not allow it... and therefore humans are imperfect being as well... even more imperfect than other animals in my opinion... how self-insulting of us to scorn upon them, when we are even beneath them? but that is a topic for another day... yes, so there cannot be a perfect creature... and also that the world is a vast place... during the game, every so often, while your creature is still in the creature stage, or the tribal stage, some alien spaceships will come and abduct some animals... just a point to note, when your creature enters space stage, that's exactly what you will most likely do as well... anyway, what intrigues me is the fact that the creatures, except the one you are controlling, will naturally be afraid of it... why, i ask... but i could not conclude on an answer... is this how the game creators expect of the animals to behave? or will they behave this way? it would seem that the creatures are programmed to fear large objects, but not objects of similar size... is this instinct? instinct that guides them to avoid danger and survive? can instinct be wrong? animals would not wonder these questions, yet we see them prevailing the evoluion... we see them withstanding under this rule of survival of the fittest... facing extinction only by the hands of man... man who is not guided by instinct in his actions, and so act irresponsibly, lacking the perfect knowledge of what is best for the world... or rather unguided by the perfect knowledge... away from the evolution effect, man is an error of evolution, like a virus, slowly destroying the system in which it survives in... i think i have digress quite abit... but heck, there wasn't a main path in the first place... anw, one semester has just passed... and the time that passed by is only really felt by me now... like a loss, undescribable, for i was not denied it, yet i did not possess it as well... this emptiness can only be marred by my loneliness... such scenery... almost typical of a life not worth living... sigh...

sushi buffet

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 06:08:26 GMT

two days ago, which is monday, i went for sakae sushi buffet... 16bucks per person, but i have 20bucks worth of cash voucher! hahaha... i went in thinking i won't have to pay for anything, and then they come and say, i cannot use 2 10bucks voucher, cuz they will overcharge or something... in the end, i used 1 and have to fork out the remaining 6bucks... weirdos they are...
anyway, that's just an observation... the main content is of course... about the buffet! which honestly, is a little cheating, haha... i went at 4.15pm, ate ate ate... and waited waited waited... for salmon sushi!! wth... and u know what time it started to come out? 5.30pm!! that's like, half an hour left only!! waliao... now u cant say they nvr serve it... but it's just... zzz... and 5.30pm is like kinda last order time already... you should be pretty much ready to leave... at least for those eating buffet that is... goodness... these ppl seriously business way of doing things... serve salmon also so kiam siap... as for the rest of the food, i think it's a little too err... salty? yea, something like that... it's different from the salt-kinda salty and the sauce-kinda salty... not sure how to say it... but basically it makes your mouth dry... must be their tactics again to make u drink more water... but that was too much i think... and too much of anything makes it disgusting... anything too sweet will not taste nice anymore right? same goes for heir sushi... the taste is too strong, i wonder if it's to cover for their lack of skill? or maybe that's just how it is meant to taste like... in which case, i may change my mind about sushi... oh well, now the problem remained is... how do I dispose of the remaining 10bucks voucher??